You Are Being Lied To!

TGIF

2009-04-10T16:44:00.006-05:00

Hello fans!

I know I know, two posts in two days, what is going on? I am being so bad and indulgent lately (see being my own date for the Details Magazine party!) I am thinking it might be because it is taking a lot of energy for me to keep up with all the amazinge advice from TV shows and magazines and sometimes a boi just needs to do something nice for himself like buy a red Ikea lamp.

Anyway, you must read the most devastating and yet eerily TRUE advice I received in a spam e-mail today at work:

How To Get A Girl To Do Anythingg And Everything In Bedd - Be Absolutely Mind Blowing Right Now

Oh! But you can surely think of something, m. At all. Go up to the nursery. To stop us going home i think your father's quite into sawlike teeth.

Fans this is totes approp, how does the Internet know that my parents are visiting? And OF COURSE I need to be absolutely mind blowing right now! This will help me up my game tonighte at the 'Shoe, where I am planning on smoking the rest of my year-old clove cigarettes and telling strangers all about the West Elm bench. By the way I do not have ANY comments about what you think I should do about the placement of the bench. I feel so unloved, maybe I will tweet about it.

Another thing I have been thinking about, other than why Tom Cruise wears two wife beaters at a time or when I will see a depressing Jackie O tranny wearing boots again, is my parfumerie. While I was in a cage I came up with so many ideas but I was too busy having my ego subliminated to actually make any of them. Now I am thinking that maybe what I will do is exclusive limited edition scents based on Details magazine covers! I want to create a scent wardrobe for the Other and I think this will be the perfect present for my Heathcliffe. Also one of the scents will be called Bottom of the Well because that is where my true love found himself during darker days on the moors. It's OK fans, he has returned to me and we are going on a hike the next time he is in town. What?

Bye betch!

<3,
Meow

Lost Lamb Found

2009-04-09T23:34:00.008-05:00

Hello dear fans!

I hope you have not forgotten me in my suspicious absence! So much has happened since my last post but I guess we all have to begin somewhere.

My days and nights as Master's lowly dog came to an end this winter, and my Other returned to me not once but twice. Twice! He now dominates me from an ocean away, it is so great. He is my Heathcliffe, and I am his obedient servant. Excellent! Some of my duties have included driving out to the suburbs to buy a bench from the ever-klassy West Elm store. Fans, just trust me when I tell you that nothing comes close to the blisse of buying nice furniture like benches when your, ahem, companion tells you to over Yahoo! Messenger. I put it at the head of our bed but for some reason the Wytche yelled at me to put it at the foot of the bed. What do you think, fans? Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think: West Elm bench at the head of the cruelle metal bed with one orange throw pillow or at the foot of it?

Anyway. There are all kinds of other horrifying things going on right now. It is my birthday, for one, and I don't even care what happens next. I even made an invitation that was a video of a Chinese car crash test set to an Enya song (yesss I love Enya!) and now I am afraid that I will never leave the 'Shoe. What is a party boi to do? The Other will be so displeased when he finds out that I fell asleep while drunk driving myself home on Lake Shore...

Uh-oh, talking about being drunk reminds me of last weekend. After an unfortunate time hanging out with an unnamed individual, I was my own date at a Details Magazine party! TRASHY! I am not really sure how I made it through but somehow I wound up drinking shots of something troubling at a bar and went home with Some Guy to make out. The only thing is that I threw up at his apartment before anything really troublesome happened. Then, then, the next day I got a message from Some Other Guy from the Details party asking me to make a video for him. I don't even remember telling him my name or that I can make videos! Somehow, fans, he stalked me on the Internet and discovered my true identity. Scandal all around! Now I am one of those "shame shame everyone knows your name" bois.

Also, I am going to New York soon! I am going with a GIRL and we are going to have a TIME. I will wear my new bondage shirt from Lip Service--it has lots of zippers and looks kayoot with my bondage pants and boots. Yess! If you guys have suggestions for kayoot spooky places to have A Time in New York please leave me a comment or I will be sad and lonesome. Sniff.

The last thing that you need to know is that I don't read Kafka books anymore. No fans, now I have a ginormous flat screen TV and instead of reading Kafka in my closet I just turn on an amazing show like Manswers or CSI or my recent favorite, TOOL ACADEMY!! You need to check that shiot if you haven't seen it yet!

OK well, I should probably go because The Other might be waiting for me on Yahoo! Messenger or something. Goodnight world!

<3,
Meow

the domestic animal (yessssssss)

2008-09-18T22:29:00.002-05:00

Hello fans!

It is with mixed emotions I greet you this evening. These past months since my return to Chicago have been quite a trial, but I believe I have changed for the better. With the departure of my "flatmate," The Other, I was initially like a lost, unwanted bastard child. No longer would my weekends be filled with fun projects, like "hanging shelves" or "slicing cucumbers to place in a pitcher of twice-filtered ice water." My life was aimless and empty. More so than usual! TRASH! Even my newly painted apartment and recently purchased CB2 task chair were little comfort. Even reading Kafka in my goldenrod painted closet/playroom seemed a fruitless endeavor. I even switched to Sartre, but it was still no good!

And then fans, someone shined a light upon my small, dark little life. Last weekend Rob took me to the scandalous hot bed of iniquity, the gay leather bar Touché. Fans, it felt like I was coming home for the first time! On a whim, I got into the cage in the backroom, and it was then I was approached by my Master, NTO (Not The Other). NTO immediately recognized how gravely I required a life of complete sexual and domestic servitude and submission. Crouched on all fours, I realized that I am nothing but an animal, a stupid dog in need of a cruel disciplinarian to train me.

Fans, I was totes blissed out! I have now entered into a year long agreement with NTO, whereupon I shall live as his full time dog slave/pony boi. I have a little cage with a kibble and water bowl in it, and a collar with NTO's tag on it as well as a tag specifying that I have recently received my rabies booster shot. This pleases me more than I could have ever known. NTO provides the light that was missing from my past life as "Meehow J". I am now known only as dog, or pony, or if I am lucky, boi.

And now fans, the heartbreaking news: since Master does not approve of my use of the Internet, and because my life now revolves solely around NTO's pleasure, I fear that updates to this blog will be few and far between for the next year while my training progresses. Do not cry for Mee-how, for he was only the mask upon my ego. He has been cast aside as I come closer and closer to total ego sublimination. It is Master's and my hope that within 6 months I will lose the ability to communicate in any human language. This will be a true test of my faithfulness to NTO's training, and I hope you will think of me whenever you catch sight of a muzzled cur sitting in the gutter. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

All the loves,
dog (formerly known as Mee-how J)

Carrying the Torch

2008-07-24T13:58:00.003-05:00

Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
And they're young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
Anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and I
Want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their
Home, and I'm welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought oh god, my chance has come at last
(but then a strange fear gripped me and I
Just couldn't ask)

Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one, da ...
Oh, I haven't got one

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Oh, there is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out

The Imagine Pageant Pays A Visit

2008-07-23T14:30:00.002-05:00

Hello faithful fans,

My relaxing drive on Sunday evening from Fox Lake while under the influence of several shots of vodka could have prepared me for many things: painful death, life-long paralysis, body mutilation, a DUI, court... But what actually happened that sunday evening was worse. FAR worse. Upon reaching the top of the staircase and thinking of the fantastic prospect of tea and sleep, I opened the door and saw LX with his stupid bike and a horrifying smile on his face. I gasped as he said "oh hello buster! where should i put my bike?" this was the ultimate punishment for drunk driving, and a nightmare that has many times played out in my head during bad ecstasy trips, but how could it be real. I walked past him (hoping he would disappear like the horrifying apparition that he is), and looked at the hopeless face of the Other, who motioned at his phone. I looked at my cell, and sure enough i had a message: "BEWARE, LX is here." When LX asked about where to put his bike again, I said "outside, together with all your other belongings and your body!!!" to which he laughed and said something along the lines of "ha ha, you're a funny one!" I completely freaked. he sat down and demanded the Other to make coffee, and the Other, in his shock and terror, obliged. I made a few more insidious and biting remarks to which LX said "if you want me to leave, I'll leave." I breathed a sigh of relief, and said politely: "well, perhaps this is not the best evening for an unannounced, completely rude visit..." As I thought LX would immediately leave me to my drunken thoughts of how many miles per gallon a Honda Odyssey minivan can get versus a Toyota Sienna, I was in a better mood. But ALAS, he stayed, taking my sudden upturn in mood as indication of my permission to hang around. My heart sunk to the depths of hell, and I walked to the sofa, laid down on it in the darkness and tried my hardest to think about the mileage a minivan can get, while LX incessantly bombarded the Other with the details of his bike ride. It lasted 40 minutes, and I'm sure a large part of me died that night. Sighe... All my nightmares are coming true, I feel as if there is no hope...

<3
m

Convulsive fugue state

2008-07-10T16:52:00.009-05:00

Hello fans!

As I am sure you all have realized, I am back in the US of A and am having A TIME! The Other and I bought a grown-up bed with gray sheets and orange pillows. Klassy!

Also klassy, my exquisite and decadent collection of parfums can now be unveiled to the world! Please see my press release below. All of you should try it, I think they are pretty good! Obviously I am trying to get Mila to be my spokesmodel, but if any of you are interested in posing sex-xy for some artistic photographs PLEASE do not hesitate to comment on this entry!

Xs and Os,
Meow

RUBBER DOLL
a trio of fragrances by the House of Janicki
"I was in a sort of convulsive fugue state, crying uncontrollably, not
from fear or pain but from a quivering, never-ending wave of
pleasure."

Power
Exploitative, crisp, and cool, Power commands subservience. Iris and
vetiver compose an earthy yet icy quality while cypress serves as an
intriguing counterpoint. Bittersweet smokiness, musky ambrette seed,
and cut-glass sharp synthetics bridge the rest of the composition.
Just try to escape!

Consumption
Experiencing Consumption is akin to being forcibly engulfed in a latex
hood that has been simmering in church incense. The initial resinous
quality gives way to a smooth sleek musk note. The composition assumes
a cloying sweetness as the whisper fades and the balsamic smoke swirls
around you. The amber dry down will cling to you for days.
Be...consumed!

Vanishing
Powdery and metallic, Vanishing will forever plague your private
thoughts. Elusive violet top notes give way to the green, bitter heart
and iris notes. You'll never know what hit you!

My life is a veritable graveyard of buried hopes.

2008-06-09T16:17:00.002-05:00

Hello fans!

I'm sorry to have been silent for so long. Things have been TERRIBLE. After all my funds were stolen and Amy Winehouse lured my darling raccoon Nigel Tibbs away, I was v desolate. Fans, do not even ask about that ponce Cruelle Bertrand. Him and his lady love escaped in a giant hot air balloon after reducing my flat to utter shambles. While the peacock is a noble bird, its vanity is unrivaled in the animal kingdom. They have no consideration for the feelings of others. And they shit everywhere too!

Regarding my missing funds, someone at the bank finally took pity upon me after I cried hysterically and had a nervous breakdown and they gave me my money back. But THEN someone broke into my house and stole my laptop! The worst part is there are all sorts of scandalous pictures on it of myself and others, including LX. Wait, maybe that is the best part...

So not wanting to be murdered in my sleep, I have decided to return to Chicago. I have to say, I will not miss London. It is dreary and expensive and everyone is a prissy asshole. The only good thing is there are SO MANY trashy gay clubs. I recently went to one called THE GHETTO, with my friend Wei and it was ridic. Wei's ex-boyfriend joined us and he got drunk and a bit too friendly with me and kept asking if he could pose for photos for me. Wei flew into a jealous rage, and dumped a pint of beer over his ex-boyfriend's head. I cackled in delight. Maybe I will miss a few things in Londre... but trashy gay clubs are a dime a dozen.

Fans, I have gazed into the eyes of the gorgon, but instead of turning me to stone she has rendered me an emotionless shell. My tears have been dried and my heart hardened and I fear that now I shall only see things as they truly are; each interaction a trifle and every event only a momentary distraction from the relentless headlong journey between birth and death.

I shall return to Chicago older and wiser in the cruel ways of the world and peacocks. Hopefully I haven't become so jaded that a trip to the Lucky Horseshoe won't help me to find my smile once again.

Just another teen suicide

2008-04-25T16:59:00.006-05:00

Hello Fans!

Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. Because I was SHAMED into trying to say the opposite of what I think about someone, I made a new friend: Amy Winehouse! although I think it will end badly. I am not sure if you have noticed me in the corners of all the paparazzi photos lately, but Amy is the best! She is so so great you guys, you really need to just let her do her thing. She has these little ballet shoes that she wears everywhere and her eyeliner is just so original and being a part of her entourage is like maybe the best thing that has happened to me since Cruelle Bertrand. For a few days she would call me up and I would go with her and wander the streets, at MIDNIGHT, so that she could buy crisps and Popsicles and tins of smoked herring, and I thought we were going to be killed but we weren't, it was so fantastic.

Then things started to go awry fans, she wanted to steal Bertrand from me! He is such an honorable and vain pet though, he refused to go with her, but then she wanted to take Sir Nigel Tibbs. Hmph, I should have known that he would BETRAY me! OBVIOUSLY he thinks that Amy is the shiniest piece of trash ever! Well because of this loss I immediately went out and found a companion for Bertrand, her name is Ermengarde the Marauder just as I planned except that I should have gotten him an asexual girlfriend because now they are in lurv and I feel so lonesome again. Sniff.

The only thing that kept me going during this dramatic cycle of days was my spider plant, Claudette Colbert. She was just A Plant, and I had her in one of those rope holder things, macramé? with some wooden beads woven into it like my car seat covers. Anyway so Claudette Colbert was just A Plant and I had the macramé holder dangling from a plastic hanger over my paraffin stove, which obv was the worst idea but listen LISTEN my plant committed SUICIDE and plunged itself into a boiling pan of water I was going to make pasta in. That was made of epic FAIL and obv Amy did NOT care about my tragic loss of Claudette. She still has Sir Nigel, and the Other is far away and for some reason I am just sitting in my flat alone looking at the mess that Cruel Bertrand and Ermengarde have made of it and they won't stop shrieking at me. Perhaps it is time to work on another decadent parfum for my collection...

<3 m.

Oh, migrant workers, YES, with pleasure

2008-04-22T12:12:00.006-05:00

Hello fans,

In spite of my increasing love for Cruel Bertrand and Sir Nigel Tibbs I have been having a perfectly hateful time in Londre. In these dark days my only friends here have been trying to tell me some advice:

"Whenever you want to say something to someone, just say the opposite thing of what you are thinking!"

This came about because I was also informed that I'll be lonely 4-eva, and will never grow to be a real boi, because, AND I QUOTE:

"You never give a chance for the other person to speak, you are too overwhelming and disrespectful of other people, and from what I heard so far, you are disrespectful of yourself as well."

UM, OBV that made me glow with pleasure! I am HORRIBLE SCAG and NO ONE will ever like me!!!!! I am learning at an astounding rate here, but I wonder what the Other will think?

To salt the wound or should I say to FURTHER DELIGHT ME, my brother took me to this awful party in the middle of nothing (it kind of looked like the video to "Runaway Train"), and there were all these barely-English-speaking people there, who were fascinated with telling stories of their poor poor children in Slovakia who they have to support. Once they found out that I was American, they were absolutely dumbfounded that I would come to England. AND THEN came the most amazing questions, first about how easy it is to start a business "in-Amerika" and have tons of money. Of course my answer was "Sweeetie, seriously, there are only two things people from east europe can do without speaking English, and that is clean toilets or build houses. No one builds houses anymore in the US. that leaves everyone to the toilets." To which this offended woman yelled: "SURELY, not white people do dirty job as this???" to which my answer was "oh, well... you are like a second-class white person. how do I explain? like a white person with three red tags that someone can get at TK Maxx" which my brother and I thought was HILAR, but the Slovakian improvished mother did not (probably because she does not speak English after 3 YEARS in the UK). HA.

I thought things were going good, even though my brother kept prodding me and telling me to be quiet. Then of course, came the question of saving money. I was glad, because, like all the other migrant workers, I could moan about being poor as all my
savings was TAKEN from me, and the bank STILL refuses to talk to me (they gave me back 10% so I can pay for heat after I yelled at them and pretty much broke down
crying on the phone). Well, then the migrants said, "what you saving for so much? maybe you plan to have child and pay for college?" and I said, "NO, I am obviously planning to buy the most BAD-ASS black Mercedes and or ESCALADE so that I can flaunt my social status and make people like you remember EXACTLY who they are and always will be: victims of their own greed and horribleness! Leaving children behind with an excuse of making money-BULLSHIT-feel-sorry-for-me-I'm-from-Slovakia-whining-WHORES, who instead of taking responsibility run away to western countries, clean dishes and get drunk every evening on stolen wine from the restaurant where they work, while their kids substitute a mother for money bills!". Ofcourse that didn't go over well at all (I was a bit drunk), and my brother had to drag me away, but I seriously LOST it, probably because of my long anger w/ my dad, who left for two years to come back to a kid who no longer even remembered how his dad looked like. That and everyone trying to outdo each other in "how-miserable-I-am-and-how-unjust-it-is-because-people-won't-give-me-money" type of stories. SERIOUSLY. Every single person had one. And they kept repeating it over and over and over, it drove me a bit over the edge.

Hm. I guess I'll have to start listening to that advice and become more popular, but maybe I'll start doing that next week, cuz right now I am in quite a pissed mood. I have been sleeping on a meager pallet and Cruel Bertrand has been tearing out all the straw filling and shitting in it instead. Hmmph. Perhaps I will start calling him BERTNARD to damage his ego a bit!

<3
-m

L'enfant Terrible

2008-04-16T12:59:00.003-05:00

Fans, I have had a trying week so far-I was ROBBED by a filthy voleur who is probably buying himself trashy Louis Vuitton apparel right this hot minute! To keep myself in good spirits I have been taking Cruelle Bertrand on many classy strolls in the park. He is such a terrible screaming companion, but he makes me feel safe somehow.

As Bertrand and I were taking a respite on a park bench, I heard a commotion from the nearby rubbish bin. At first I was quite alarmed, but then all of the sudden a young raccoon poked his head out. Well fans, needless to say I was charmed! Although he was a filthy beast and possibly disease ridden, I couldn't resist offering him some of my Activia (I had packed a snack pack for a trip to the park in my trusty fun sized Igloo brand cooler). The raccoon loved the Activia, and we immediately became the best of friends. I must say, I find his facial markings quite dashing. He is quite the rogue and continues to eat the wiring over the shower in my garret apartment, but I will make a proper English gentlemen out of him yet! I have taken to calling him Sir Nigel Tibbs. What do you think?

<3,
Mee-how

All creatures great and small

2008-04-08T14:59:00.015-05:00

Hello Fans! I am back in Londre, sniff. Obv I am very busy with my fantastic new parfum collection but right now I must tell you about my most recent obsession: Cruelle Bertrand!

Bertrand is my haughty pet peacock and I take him with me wherever I go including trashy goth clubs that serve tea at 4am. He screams all the time and keeps me awake even after I have re-read Nabokov for the 100th time before bed but I lurv him anyway. The cruellest thing Bertrand has done to me is shit in my floral suitcase. SHIT. IN THE FLORAL SUITCASE. NOT KAYOOT. He shits everywhere, I keep finding it all over my flat, but that is a family HEIRLOOM! But it shows that he is the smartest peacock because Bertrand knew it would crush my spirit. His favorite snack is Ants on a Log, but I am not very good at making them because I only eat a Wheatabix once a day. For my birthday I think I will have to get him a girlfriend named Ermengarde the Marauder. She will be a mousy speck in comparison to Bertrand's showy plumage and he WILL LOVE IT. He is so VAIN! I cannot wait to debut my leather man corset with Bertrand in tow because we will be the highlight of everyone's evening.

In case the Fans were wondering, the Other went out and bought himself a RIDIC poufy cat and named it Jean Harlow! Cruel Bertrand was my ultimate solution to drive Jean Harlow insane. One day I will get a Weimaraner and drive Jean Harlow out for good, hmmph.

<3,
UKPM

the SHOE

2008-04-01T13:43:00.003-05:00

Fans, do you know what you must do immediately? Everybody must go to the Lucky Horseshoe! First, first, let me tell you that the Baby Arm* was there, but not only that, there was also a Mowgli bo-i and he was the most sinful character of the night.

1. He had long stringy hair and crazy eyes.
2. For part of his act he danced in a SKIRT!
3. He shook everyone's hand and introduced himself as "Julio"--V suspicious.

There was also a Beanbag-shaped "man" who was pretty much too fat to give the dancers a dollar so they had to lean over and let him nudge a dollar into their thong with one of his chins. Vom! Also Meredith and Erika were 1 Azn and forced me to give Baby Arm a dollar. I was secretly delighted even though it was totes obv it was my first time. We went back a second time on the same night and sat in the back room on this classy 70s redux Lucite patio furniture while a vintage porno movie played and all the same go go bois danced again. Yessss.

Vanessa and her friend were telling us all about their bondage mansion night--I must get myself a lunch interview with them at a neutral place like Denny's. Too bad a certain SOMEONE won't go with me, sadness.

Oh also I stayed out so late dancing on Friday that I saw the sun come up! It was amazinge; I hung out with more people this weekend than I have the entire time I have been in Londre.

In other news, we are thinking of getting a pet! OBVIOUSLY I will have a valiant shorthair Weimaraner but the OTHER foolishly wants a poufy cat. Hmmph. To comfort myself I am buying a video camera so that I can further exploit my friends to make my arte. I think volunteering your body and soul to me is obv a fair trade for being ULTRA curious about my tragick situations. Please email me if you are interested, even though I am leaving again on Sunday.

<3,
PM

* Onewytche had scouted the Shoe previously and had seen the Baby Arm do his THING already. Apparently last time he was wearing a cowboy hat and boots with white tube socks, and velour bellbottoms. I got lots of indulgent emails explaining how big the Baby Arm was, and it was definitely humongus, only this time he was wearing a TIE and a little hat and sci-fi boots that were high enough so that you could not see the tube socks I am sure he was wearing.

BSPZ

2008-03-27T16:41:00.001-05:00

There's a saying old says that love is blind,
Still we're often told, "Seek and ye shall find."
So I'm going to seek a certain lad I've had in mind.
Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet;
He's the big affair I cannot forget.
Only man I ever think of with regret.
I'd like to add his initials to my monogram.
Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

There's a somebody I'm longing to see,
I hope that he turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me.
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood.
I know I could always be good
To one who'll watch over me.
Although he may not be the man some girls think of as handsome.
To my heart he carries the key.
Won't you tell him please to put on some speed,
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone who'll watch over me.

Where have all the cowboys gone?

2008-03-27T14:22:00.005-05:00

Well hellooooo fans,

Guess what? I am in Chicago! Friday I'll be at my usual unimaginative hangout drinking and dancing my ass off around midnight...

Sorry for the lack of updates; I have just been so busy being miserable I forget that I can turn on the fuzzy warmth of my laptop and pretend to talk to people who have already forgotten me.

Here is a FAQ for convenience:

1. yes, i was in england since november for work.
2. i feel neutral about the work part.
3. it's very rainy and there was no snow. i know there was snow here.
4. the cultural differences are both staggering and interesting. they say "pavement" instead of "sidewalk," and act prissy a lot.
5. i don't have a lot of friends there at all, although i am learning all about sinful "breakfast cereal!"
6. i don't do things that are very interesting there, but i did get forcibly thrown out of a klub by my shirt collar. also, i took a drawing class and i work a lot.
7. there was a murder* downstairs where i live.
8. it made me kind of scared but content in a weird alarming way.
9. yes, you can buy me a drink if you so desire.
10. during my stay here i am living in domestik BLISSE! don't ask.

My next post will be all about my exquisite new idea for a parfum! Yess. Maybe also an update about my gaming experiences with co-workers.

<3,
Polish Mike

* A few days before I left for Chicago I woke up, walked out of my apartment and walked straight into a policeman. The entire area by my door was taped off, and there were about 3 or 4 police cars. They asked me if I heard anything strange at night, or in the early morning, and when was the last time I left my apartment. I was groggy and confused, I told them I didn't leave my place at all yesterday, because I was sick. I asked what happened, but they didn't tell me, just took down my name and exact address. Then I looked into the wide open door of the store that is right below my flat. There was a pile of clothes laying on the floor. No one was inside. I didn't think much of it, the police let me go and I went to work.

The funny thing is when I searched for "murder" in my neighbourhood, there were so many articles I didn't know which one to click. My favourite was a 26 yo architect who emigrated from the states; he was stabbed by a homeless man during lunch break. I was like "gawd, he sounds like he deserved it, stupid young promising architect." Then I paused and said out loud "oh, wait that guy sounds like me. HA!" I think most people that sit near me have learned to ignore random outbursts of internet surprise.

Also, the neighbourhood is where jack the ripper lived and operated! Some things never change...

Catapulting Corpses Over City Walls

2008-01-29T12:38:00.001-06:00

" 'We should not overlook the fact that plague has been weaponized throughout history, from catapulting corpses over city walls, to dropping infected fleas from airplanes, to refined modern aerosol formulation,' the researchers wrote." (as reported on Yahoo news)

Hello fans, I know it has been a tragick amount of time since you have heard from me. It's OK though, I have been mired in my devastating lonesomeness. Yess!

HEH MAKEOUT HARVEST TIME

Let me just say that my depraved send-off can be summed up with this conversation:
Erika: Mike doesn't remember anything that happened after you kissed him...
Ed: Well I totally had powdered date rape drugs on my lips!

Chibi LX had devised a plot to kill me and smuggle my body out during a showing of BLADERUNNER at the Music Box but obv I tried to invite someone else along and LX would not have any of it. Gawd I'm such a terrible person but LX totally deserves it.

HAUS-WARMING

After finally moving into my lonesome flat with brown packing tape covered electrical appliances, I had a haus-warming event which was lame because I have no friends and drank myself into forgetfulness. It was a TIME since all 2 co-workers who showed up were network-admin types of people who are so socially inept that it makes them kind of KEWL. Grr. Obv I did NOT invite my nice, unassuming student neighbours who have kewl dreadlocks and smoke pot! They had been very polite when I got drunk and destroyed my place a few nights after moving in though. For some reason, instead of regret, I felt proud for being able to at least control my new environment/situation by destroying it, and making some kind of a statement at
least, but a bit ashamed that I bothered my neighbours, as that is a particular irk of mine...

Oh and BY THE WAY the previous tenant left me his bank account statement on the dining table. TRASH!

OTP

I have been (ahem) beating around the bush because fans, I have finally found true LURV! A mouse moved into my flat with me and even though I tried to kill him with suspicious wholesome peppermint oil and refraining from using any heat in the middle of winter, he refuses to let me go. sigh TRUE LURV gawd.

HOLY-DAZE and NYE

For what it's worth, a god was born, for the 2008th time, it must be getting old by now, but still a good moment for icy-cold and distant reflections...
I miss everyone, it's cold and I feel alone.......
Excellent.

Sadly I did not get to spend New Year's Eve with Tara Reid while she tries to count down backwards, but instead I had a terrible time with my shell of a brother who is totes LAME and refused to go to horrifying places. My brother buys suspicious fine clothing such as Jean Paul Gautlier at TJ Maxx, which here is called TK Maxx and it's kind of hilarious, cause his shoes still have RED TAGS on the bottom.

OBV there were a ton of tragick (but not in an even remotely good way) bars still open that were so crowded you couldn't get in, even if we were willing to pay the 20+ pounds (40
dollars: for a bar mind you, no dancing). There is the most amazing Londre Clark's on Clark equivalent called King's Arms! Aimed at the "older" and "more chubby" crowd, it is sure to bring the right atmosphere into our lives. There were all these dead trees and fat skinheads (!!!!!) inside, and it smelled like bleach! It was definitely THE place to be, but my brother left immediately after I stopped holding his arm because a humongous skinhead called him "a real-fancy rear end" which I would take as a total compliment... sigh, we ended up finding this
inoffensive bar where they played lounge music and all these preppy guys with kayoote haircuts kept making faces at me because I decided to embarrass my brother by wearing my bondage pants. Not much happened.

DA KLUBS

I had a mini nervous breakdown one Friday and I was like, "I can't sit in my apartment anymore" so I went to the Slime and paid my 16 dollars (plus 4 for coat check) and was immediately walked through by all the ultimate dead hookers with hair extensions. It's kind of amazing, they don't even see me! I sat around drinking $8 beer and being invisible due to my not-kayoote outfit and the FLA came on and the floor was cleared and so I got up and DANCED ALONE with no one else on the floor. Then this GIRL, whose name is ALYCE, comes up to me and tries to start this terrible conversation about how dead the scene is, it's not like it was in 1996 blah blah blah but then some other lonely goth people came up and we smoked some Djarums. Alyce is

A. Obsessed with spyders
B. Studying music theory

OMG such a depressing night, and now I have a scene friend which makes me even more depressed. She didn't understand when she said "London is SO great, there's so many kayoote klubz!" and my reply was "Oh yeah, so you can go to them ALONE and be 27 and befriend shady 'Front Line' men?"

Even more shameful and depraved, I was trying to buy a man corset at the pervy shop next to my work and the store owner tried suffocate me to death because I told her I just wanted to look kayoote for the 17 year olds at the Goth/fluid club.

ARTE SKOOL 4-REALZ

I have NOTHING to say about this whatsoever since I have been so ashamed of my first day when I showed up to klass wearing the same boots as my professor! Also I thought I was going to be clever, and titled my latest still-life (of a bunch of easels and old chairs) 250 pounds, as that is the price of the course. Well, that caused a slight controversy, as
when the teacher came to critique my piece, he told me that my "antics" (!!!!!!!!) belong in grade school, and that it's not appropriate to "make a spectacle" when the assignment is technical. Instead of continuing to show up for nude drawing skills 101 I have been sitting on a park bench twice a week to think about how lonesome my life in Londre has been and wish I was participating in a shower contest at Spin. Sniff.

GAMING

The sole saving grace of this 3-year sexual servitude I am experiencing right now is Settlers of Catan! It pleased me so much to play this fantastic board game with co-workers at a bar that I had to go home a take a shower a la CRYING GAME with the burning of my clothes and everything. It was a TIME, fans!

Sigh.

All the loves,

m.

EVENT HORIZON

2007-11-09T17:51:00.000-06:00

Cheaptickets e-mailed me today and was like,

Dr. Mr. Micheal Janigki,

Please call immediately regarding your Air India flight.

Regards,
The Cheaptickets Team

This made me cringe a bit, but after calling their tech support in India and then China, they "straightened it all out." Check this, fans:

Cheaptickets: "Oh yes, Mr Ganiduekseigj, e-mail sent was because identification you need airport, yes?"
Me: "WHAT?!"
Cheaptickets: "Oh, we transfer manager."
Me: "OK, go ahead and transfer him."
Another person came on, and it sounded so faint...like they were somewhere in Japan or something...
Cheaptickets manager: "The e-mail was sent because you should bring identification when you get on the flight, like a driver's license or a valid state ID."
Me: "Ummm, isn't it an international flight? Don't I need a passport anyway?"
Cheaptickets manager: "Ticket was sent e-mail, Mr. Kgwakfadsf, thank you."

I swear, that "plane" is going to take me to an "Outer Limits" TV episode.

<3,
UK PM

Meow!

2007-10-30T16:09:00.000-05:00

Hello fans!

I hope all of you have been depraved and scandalous lately because obviously I have! I cannot even believe the debauchery that ensued in a single weekend. Ok here goes:

So Friday was SOMETHING ELSE because onewytche took me to Julius Meinl where obviously Rob had the most decadent dessert in existence and then we went to see Control. Joy Division is whevs and I do not like movies about rock stars because I don't want to feel sorry for them but the movie was pretty and tragick and depressing and did not put anyone in a good light which made me pleased. Things picked up when we got to @tmosphere, obviously, because first of all there was a MALE STRIPPER, wearing brightly colored underwear that LX totes has. I got A beer, which was too expensive but I guess you pay for the entertainment OR SOMETHING, and we sat down where to our surprise we were accosted by some sinful teens from the suburbs! One girl we will call Blockhead, the other girl is just A Girl, and then there was Close Talker guy and 35 year old guy. 35 year old guy said I had pretty eyes aaaaaaaaa but would NOT buy me a drink! I told him I had moved to the US 3 years ago and he still would not buy me one! RUDE! Blockhead, A Girl, and Close Talker were all high on crystal meth or something else illicit and would not leave us alone which was amazing and terrible! I think they were 17 maybe.

Oh also, it was a little bit rainy and cold and all of us were wearing hooded sweatshirts under jackets and mine was a trench coat. Yessss! I am so core!

Saturday was the most sex-xy. Onewytche got me a cat mask and made me wear it with my black sinful bondage pants and a tight black t-shirt and my trench coat. Grrr now I know why they call me "meow." We went to a party at Mikey's and I would like to say that is all I can remember but NO it is all coming back to me. It started out pretty whatever, there were not that many people there and we took lots of fantastic pictures in front of the sad wolf blanket that was hanging over the front door. I was introduced to Hot Irish Guy who was wearing a uniform and my mind immediately said, "Ooooh bad news! He is trouble!" and also Mikey's roommates and a bunch of other slutty people such as the tragick attempt at Betty Paige who should have had on more clothes than anyone but was wearing almost none aaaaaaa! The girl whose terrible roommate I drove home on New Year's was there, and she remembered that she owed me like 10 drinks but she only mixed me one. Grrrr.

The wolf blanket is key because all the decadence of the night happened behind it. Erika made out with Mikey and then ran away, so Rob and I had to run after her and I lost my keys. Rob also made out with Jon Benet who is Mikey's roommate at the same time. We went back with Erika and I got a bit too drunk and MADE OUT WITH A MUMMY who is also Mikey's roommate! I wanted pretty much anyone to make out with me, I even gave Mikey a lapdance (Mikey doesn't ask for it) and then finally Erika was just like, DO IT MIKE. The best part is that the new Radiohead song that I like was playing, it is called "15 step" and it is about DEATH and get this: it has the lyrics "did the cat get your tongue?" aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! It made up for no one buying me a drink the night before, plus he is a good kisser. mmmmmmm so depraved.

Then we went to Golden Nugget. Next time I will make out with all the roommates and/or Nicke, who pedaled tragically away on his huge bicycle at the end of the night. Too bad LX wasn't there to whip him into shape.

Also, have you guys ever heard of a Sexy Bee? "Bzzzzz bzzzzz I'm a sex-xy bee and I'm going to sting you!"

<3,
mee-how

2007-09-27T16:40:00.000-05:00

Hello Fans!

I will now tell you about the v totes ridic time I am having in Polonia!

On my way back from my parent's car tonight, I saw a few youths (around 5) in amazing Adidas tear-away outfits(each guy had a different color! It's hard to have 5 distinct colors when you think about it!) standing in front of a (very) old Polish car with open doors blasting dance music while drinking one (1) beer between each other and smoking cigarettes, looking strangely threatening (they couldn't be more than 16), prolly cause it was after midnight. IT WAS AWESOME, though I was completely sure that we wouldn't make it upstairs without stab-wounds.

Well, otherwise, Poland is actually pretty safe and nice now, and people in general have more money...gone are the days of crazy drunk people laying around the street asking to buy them more vodka. Yesterday I was in Warsaw walking around, otherwise I've been around my home town (which is EXTREMELY boring), and went to visit my grandparent's grave, which was a good thing to do. I'm pretty much hanging out with my parents during the day, and then my sinful brother during the evenings, though he is not at all scandalous, and everything here closes at 9pm, so we sit in his or my parent's apartment and drink tea. GOD. If I actually grew up in this town, I'd AT LEAST stand around a piece-of-shit car and share a beer (one, cause I can't afford anymore cause I'm 15) with 5 questionable characters with matching outfits (I can still hear their music outside, and it's 2am!!!). I keep telling him that he's LAME, and I ask where there are some scandalous sexually-deviant things going on, but he said that people simply drive over to Germany to do that, and he couldn't get days off work so we can't go. Then of course he asks what deviant things I have in mind, and then doesn't want to hear about it, and tells me that with my attitude, I'll end up alone (he has a boyfriend, who is equally as LAME as he is, and in my opinion, is not enough ammo to threaten me with loneliness. I mean the dude is like furniture from Ikea: useful-I-guess, but in the end disposable and replaceable).

<3
Mischka

No one needs more poppers!

2007-09-26T13:16:00.000-05:00

Hello fans!

I, Mee-how, have been having quite a TIME. It is just so totes ridic I am not sure where to begin.

Firstly, LX has proven himself the ultimate darke vampyre, which I obviously already knew. After sleeping for 18 hours I woke up in my darkened hotel room to the sound of footsteps on broken glass, only to find LX standing in an obscene see-through cleavage shirt bloodied with some sort of injury. LX should be in a jail right now talking to all his new friends! He smiled his cruelle smile at me, yelled THE WORLD DOESN'T NEED MORE LOSERS, IT NEEDS MORE POPPERS, and jumped out the broken window, which pleased me immensely, but then I saw what he had done and now I want to hide in this closet forever. He also said something about Penelope, which sounds very suspicious, I will have to ask Onewytche about what horrible things he is doing to her, and called himself Lexi. Fans, there are hundreds of turtle heads drawn on the walls of my hotel room. Hundreds. I do not think that the staff will be pleased. Not only are they drawn on the walls, which are covered in a fake moire wallpaper--NOT CLASSY--but they are also drawn in lipstick (!) all over my bathroom mirror. He also wrote the words HOW SOON IS NOW, which is so trashy and unbelievable, and obviously it is in his serial killer writing which has made my soul grow cold. I do not even know what to do, so I am re-reading Kafka, per UGE.

Much more depraved and kayoot, I went to a sex shoppe for a man corset fitting so I can be sex-xy for the next Seatbelt Meetup. Every girl working there was so attractive and dead inside, and they all told me I was so slim which obviously pleased me to no end. My corset laces all the way up my back and neck and is so restrictive, it is just like having someone almost crush me to death but let me live instead. Yessse!

I went out to this one goth club by myself and it was so darke and everyone was so much more in the SCENE than at NEO, obviously. I felt so pleased that I re-shaved my head so I could be reborn into the scene along with every other guy with a shaved head. No one told me I had pretty eyes--TRASHY--but I did take my shirt off and sweat so much I felt like a terrible American. There were two kayoot girls who live together who wanted to "hang out" but they were so drunk I don't think they even remember their own names today.

What else? Oh let me think oh I got MUGGED! Obviously I was wearing my corset and walking down the street thinking about the terrible turtle heads when I hear this strange noise behind me. Of course I assume it is LX, but instead it was a very ugly man in a track suit and he backed me up against a wall--NOT SEX-XY--and took my wallet. Fortunately my fake Polish car insurance "card" and my passport were in the hotel but now I might look kind of tough since I have been roughed up. I have taken so many pictures of myself, I can't wait to put them up on Facebook.

I will have to blog about going back to Poland later. It is something else!

<3
Mischka

A harrowing journey...

2007-09-18T12:00:00.000-05:00

Hello fans!

I am writing this from the airport in Londre as I wait for my taxi to whisk me to my hotel. Taxis in London are cruel and black. It is V obscene.

The trip here was quite a trial for many terrible reasons. First of all, I nearly missed my flight! I have been suffering from a terrible brain fever for the past several days and have been in a near comatose state so I didn't wake up until 6pm and my flight was at 8! Luckily I had packed my suitcase before I went to bed, so after a shower and a quick bite to eat (plain Cheerios, strawberry Activia yogurt and a passion mango sunrise tea) I was out the door!

My suitcase seemed unnaturally heavy, which was odd because all I had packed was a single black sweater and pair of black pants and a toothbrush (black). Figuring it was merely due to my weakened state, I struggled to hail a cab. Once I arrived at the airport, I rushed to my gate as quickly as possible. The woman working the x-ray machine seemed distracted by picking things out from under her acryllic nails (so sinful looking) but it meant I got through faster so I didn't mind.

I got to my gate just as they were shutting the door to the plane. I rushed to my seat and we were on our way.

Now during most plane rides, I entertain myself by reading from a favorite book, which 99% of the time is The Collected Works of Franz Kafka. As I was rereading the Trial for the 217th time and going over some notes I had made in the margins during a prior reading, I heard a banging sound coming from the overhead luggage compartment where I had stowed my bag. It was V strange.

Unable to ignore the infernal clamor, I got out of my seat and opened the bin. My suitcase fell to the floor (and nearly crushed me!) Something was trying to get out of it! As a crowd gathered around me, I opened it and the most bone chilling site greeted me: LX contorted like some sort of hellish human pretzel.

As he unfolded himself before the unbelieving crowd he exclaimed "HEY BUSTER BROWN! YOU AND I NEED TO TALK SO I STOWED AWAY IN YOUR BAG! I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND!"

The stewardesses and captain were all very angry at me and I was forced to sit in ChibiLX's lap for the rest of 7 hour flight! It was the WORST. He insisted I read my book to him out loud. I was humiliated and not in a sexy way!

Things worked out for the best though. As soon as we disembarked from the plane, a group of British police officers (Bobbies!) surrounded LX and beat him into submission with their big black clubs. As they dragged him away, LX turned to face me and with a wild light in his eye yelled "I GUESS THESE FELLOWS WANT TO CHAT! I'LL MEET UP WITH YOU LATER, BUCKO!"

At that point I screamed and the police officers subdued LX with a taser. After collecting myself I went to buy a Coffee and that brings up to the current moment.

I hope the door on my hotel room has a dead-bolt or better yet, a walk-in closet I can sleep in. Pray for me Mee-how, dear readers. I do not want ChibiLX to consume my brain.

He was no more... than a baby then...

2007-07-09T13:25:00.000-05:00

Hello fans!

Today I have been considering my tattoo options. After hearing Laura sing "Edge of Seventeen" this Saturday, I must must get a tattoo of that song! I would like the lettering of "Edge of Seventeen" to be in a very decadent font and there will be a cruelle white dove as well. Tragick! It will be on the inside of my arm.

Also, I have been informed of the fantastic idea of a front-and-back tattoo; perhaps I will get heart outline with a blue lightning bolt through it. It will be on both my chest and back and be so cruelle. I must take lots of dramatic, stark photos with no shirt on. Yessss!

<3,
mee-how