Just another teen suicide

Hello Fans!

Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. Because I was SHAMED into trying to say the opposite of what I think about someone, I made a new friend: Amy Winehouse! although I think it will end badly. I am not sure if you have noticed me in the corners of all the paparazzi photos lately, but Amy is the best! She is so so great you guys, you really need to just let her do her thing. She has these little ballet shoes that she wears everywhere and her eyeliner is just so original and being a part of her entourage is like maybe the best thing that has happened to me since Cruelle Bertrand. For a few days she would call me up and I would go with her and wander the streets, at MIDNIGHT, so that she could buy crisps and Popsicles and tins of smoked herring, and I thought we were going to be killed but we weren't, it was so fantastic.

Then things started to go awry fans, she wanted to steal Bertrand from me! He is such an honorable and vain pet though, he refused to go with her, but then she wanted to take Sir Nigel Tibbs. Hmph, I should have known that he would BETRAY me! OBVIOUSLY he thinks that Amy is the shiniest piece of trash ever! Well because of this loss I immediately went out and found a companion for Bertrand, her name is Ermengarde the Marauder just as I planned except that I should have gotten him an asexual girlfriend because now they are in lurv and I feel so lonesome again. Sniff.

The only thing that kept me going during this dramatic cycle of days was my spider plant, Claudette Colbert. She was just A Plant, and I had her in one of those rope holder things, macramé? with some wooden beads woven into it like my car seat covers. Anyway so Claudette Colbert was just A Plant and I had the macramé holder dangling from a plastic hanger over my paraffin stove, which obv was the worst idea but listen LISTEN my plant committed SUICIDE and plunged itself into a boiling pan of water I was going to make pasta in. That was made of epic FAIL and obv Amy did NOT care about my tragic loss of Claudette. She still has Sir Nigel, and the Other is far away and for some reason I am just sitting in my flat alone looking at the mess that Cruel Bertrand and Ermengarde have made of it and they won't stop shrieking at me. Perhaps it is time to work on another decadent parfum for my collection...

<3 m.