Hello Fans!
Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. Because I was SHAMED into trying to say the opposite of what I think about someone, I made a new friend: Amy Winehouse! although I think it will end badly. I am not sure if you have noticed me in the corners of all the paparazzi photos lately, but Amy is the best! She is so so great you guys, you really need to just let her do her thing. She has these little ballet shoes that she wears everywhere and her eyeliner is just so original and being a part of her entourage is like maybe the best thing that has happened to me since Cruelle Bertrand. For a few days she would call me up and I would go with her and wander the streets, at MIDNIGHT, so that she could buy crisps and Popsicles and tins of smoked herring, and I thought we were going to be killed but we weren't, it was so fantastic.
Then things started to go awry fans, she wanted to steal Bertrand from me! He is such an honorable and vain pet though, he refused to go with her, but then she wanted to take Sir Nigel Tibbs. Hmph, I should have known that he would BETRAY me! OBVIOUSLY he thinks that Amy is the shiniest piece of trash ever! Well because of this loss I immediately went out and found a companion for Bertrand, her name is Ermengarde the Marauder just as I planned except that I should have gotten him an asexual girlfriend because now they are in lurv and I feel so lonesome again. Sniff.
The only thing that kept me going during this dramatic cycle of days was my spider plant, Claudette Colbert. She was just A Plant, and I had her in one of those rope holder things, macramé? with some wooden beads woven into it like my car seat covers. Anyway so Claudette Colbert was just A Plant and I had the macramé holder dangling from a plastic hanger over my paraffin stove, which obv was the worst idea but listen LISTEN my plant committed SUICIDE and plunged itself into a boiling pan of water I was going to make pasta in. That was made of epic FAIL and obv Amy did NOT care about my tragic loss of Claudette. She still has Sir Nigel, and the Other is far away and for some reason I am just sitting in my flat alone looking at the mess that Cruel Bertrand and Ermengarde have made of it and they won't stop shrieking at me. Perhaps it is time to work on another decadent parfum for my collection...
<3 m.
April 25, 2008
April 22, 2008
Oh, migrant workers, YES, with pleasure
Hello fans,
In spite of my increasing love for Cruel Bertrand and Sir Nigel Tibbs I have been having a perfectly hateful time in Londre. In these dark days my only friends here have been trying to tell me some advice:
"Whenever you want to say something to someone, just say the opposite thing of what you are thinking!"
This came about because I was also informed that I'll be lonely 4-eva, and will never grow to be a real boi, because, AND I QUOTE:
"You never give a chance for the other person to speak, you are too overwhelming and disrespectful of other people, and from what I heard so far, you are disrespectful of yourself as well."
UM, OBV that made me glow with pleasure! I am HORRIBLE SCAG and NO ONE will ever like me!!!!! I am learning at an astounding rate here, but I wonder what the Other will think?
To salt the wound or should I say to FURTHER DELIGHT ME, my brother took me to this awful party in the middle of nothing (it kind of looked like the video to "Runaway Train"), and there were all these barely-English-speaking people there, who were fascinated with telling stories of their poor poor children in Slovakia who they have to support. Once they found out that I was American, they were absolutely dumbfounded that I would come to England. AND THEN came the most amazing questions, first about how easy it is to start a business "in-Amerika" and have tons of money. Of course my answer was "Sweeetie, seriously, there are only two things people from east europe can do without speaking English, and that is clean toilets or build houses. No one builds houses anymore in the US. that leaves everyone to the toilets." To which this offended woman yelled: "SURELY, not white people do dirty job as this???" to which my answer was "oh, well... you are like a second-class white person. how do I explain? like a white person with three red tags that someone can get at TK Maxx" which my brother and I thought was HILAR, but the Slovakian improvished mother did not (probably because she does not speak English after 3 YEARS in the UK). HA.
I thought things were going good, even though my brother kept prodding me and telling me to be quiet. Then of course, came the question of saving money. I was glad, because, like all the other migrant workers, I could moan about being poor as all my
savings was TAKEN from me, and the bank STILL refuses to talk to me (they gave me back 10% so I can pay for heat after I yelled at them and pretty much broke down
crying on the phone). Well, then the migrants said, "what you saving for so much? maybe you plan to have child and pay for college?" and I said, "NO, I am obviously planning to buy the most BAD-ASS black Mercedes and or ESCALADE so that I can flaunt my social status and make people like you remember EXACTLY who they are and always will be: victims of their own greed and horribleness! Leaving children behind with an excuse of making money-BULLSHIT-feel-sorry-for-me-I'm-from-Slovakia-whining-WHORES, who instead of taking responsibility run away to western countries, clean dishes and get drunk every evening on stolen wine from the restaurant where they work, while their kids substitute a mother for money bills!". Ofcourse that didn't go over well at all (I was a bit drunk), and my brother had to drag me away, but I seriously LOST it, probably because of my long anger w/ my dad, who left for two years to come back to a kid who no longer even remembered how his dad looked like. That and everyone trying to outdo each other in "how-miserable-I-am-and-how-unjust-it-is-because-people-won't-give-me-money" type of stories. SERIOUSLY. Every single person had one. And they kept repeating it over and over and over, it drove me a bit over the edge.
Hm. I guess I'll have to start listening to that advice and become more popular, but maybe I'll start doing that next week, cuz right now I am in quite a pissed mood. I have been sleeping on a meager pallet and Cruel Bertrand has been tearing out all the straw filling and shitting in it instead. Hmmph. Perhaps I will start calling him BERTNARD to damage his ego a bit!
<3
-m
In spite of my increasing love for Cruel Bertrand and Sir Nigel Tibbs I have been having a perfectly hateful time in Londre. In these dark days my only friends here have been trying to tell me some advice:
"Whenever you want to say something to someone, just say the opposite thing of what you are thinking!"
This came about because I was also informed that I'll be lonely 4-eva, and will never grow to be a real boi, because, AND I QUOTE:
"You never give a chance for the other person to speak, you are too overwhelming and disrespectful of other people, and from what I heard so far, you are disrespectful of yourself as well."
UM, OBV that made me glow with pleasure! I am HORRIBLE SCAG and NO ONE will ever like me!!!!! I am learning at an astounding rate here, but I wonder what the Other will think?
To salt the wound or should I say to FURTHER DELIGHT ME, my brother took me to this awful party in the middle of nothing (it kind of looked like the video to "Runaway Train"), and there were all these barely-English-speaking people there, who were fascinated with telling stories of their poor poor children in Slovakia who they have to support. Once they found out that I was American, they were absolutely dumbfounded that I would come to England. AND THEN came the most amazing questions, first about how easy it is to start a business "in-Amerika" and have tons of money. Of course my answer was "Sweeetie, seriously, there are only two things people from east europe can do without speaking English, and that is clean toilets or build houses. No one builds houses anymore in the US. that leaves everyone to the toilets." To which this offended woman yelled: "SURELY, not white people do dirty job as this???" to which my answer was "oh, well... you are like a second-class white person. how do I explain? like a white person with three red tags that someone can get at TK Maxx" which my brother and I thought was HILAR, but the Slovakian improvished mother did not (probably because she does not speak English after 3 YEARS in the UK). HA.
I thought things were going good, even though my brother kept prodding me and telling me to be quiet. Then of course, came the question of saving money. I was glad, because, like all the other migrant workers, I could moan about being poor as all my
savings was TAKEN from me, and the bank STILL refuses to talk to me (they gave me back 10% so I can pay for heat after I yelled at them and pretty much broke down
crying on the phone). Well, then the migrants said, "what you saving for so much? maybe you plan to have child and pay for college?" and I said, "NO, I am obviously planning to buy the most BAD-ASS black Mercedes and or ESCALADE so that I can flaunt my social status and make people like you remember EXACTLY who they are and always will be: victims of their own greed and horribleness! Leaving children behind with an excuse of making money-BULLSHIT-feel-sorry-for-me-I'm-from-Slovakia-whining-WHORES, who instead of taking responsibility run away to western countries, clean dishes and get drunk every evening on stolen wine from the restaurant where they work, while their kids substitute a mother for money bills!". Ofcourse that didn't go over well at all (I was a bit drunk), and my brother had to drag me away, but I seriously LOST it, probably because of my long anger w/ my dad, who left for two years to come back to a kid who no longer even remembered how his dad looked like. That and everyone trying to outdo each other in "how-miserable-I-am-and-how-unjust-it-is-because-people-won't-give-me-money" type of stories. SERIOUSLY. Every single person had one. And they kept repeating it over and over and over, it drove me a bit over the edge.
Hm. I guess I'll have to start listening to that advice and become more popular, but maybe I'll start doing that next week, cuz right now I am in quite a pissed mood. I have been sleeping on a meager pallet and Cruel Bertrand has been tearing out all the straw filling and shitting in it instead. Hmmph. Perhaps I will start calling him BERTNARD to damage his ego a bit!
<3
-m
April 16, 2008
L'enfant Terrible
Fans, I have had a trying week so far-I was ROBBED by a filthy voleur who is probably buying himself trashy Louis Vuitton apparel right this hot minute! To keep myself in good spirits I have been taking Cruelle Bertrand on many classy strolls in the park. He is such a terrible screaming companion, but he makes me feel safe somehow.
As Bertrand and I were taking a respite on a park bench, I heard a commotion from the nearby rubbish bin. At first I was quite alarmed, but then all of the sudden a young raccoon poked his head out. Well fans, needless to say I was charmed! Although he was a filthy beast and possibly disease ridden, I couldn't resist offering him some of my Activia (I had packed a snack pack for a trip to the park in my trusty fun sized Igloo brand cooler). The raccoon loved the Activia, and we immediately became the best of friends. I must say, I find his facial markings quite dashing. He is quite the rogue and continues to eat the wiring over the shower in my garret apartment, but I will make a proper English gentlemen out of him yet! I have taken to calling him Sir Nigel Tibbs. What do you think?
<3,
Mee-how
As Bertrand and I were taking a respite on a park bench, I heard a commotion from the nearby rubbish bin. At first I was quite alarmed, but then all of the sudden a young raccoon poked his head out. Well fans, needless to say I was charmed! Although he was a filthy beast and possibly disease ridden, I couldn't resist offering him some of my Activia (I had packed a snack pack for a trip to the park in my trusty fun sized Igloo brand cooler). The raccoon loved the Activia, and we immediately became the best of friends. I must say, I find his facial markings quite dashing. He is quite the rogue and continues to eat the wiring over the shower in my garret apartment, but I will make a proper English gentlemen out of him yet! I have taken to calling him Sir Nigel Tibbs. What do you think?
<3,
Mee-how
April 8, 2008
All creatures great and small
Hello Fans! I am back in Londre, sniff. Obv I am very busy with my fantastic new parfum collection but right now I must tell you about my most recent obsession: Cruelle Bertrand!
Bertrand is my haughty pet peacock and I take him with me wherever I go including trashy goth clubs that serve tea at 4am. He screams all the time and keeps me awake even after I have re-read Nabokov for the 100th time before bed but I lurv him anyway. The cruellest thing Bertrand has done to me is shit in my floral suitcase. SHIT. IN THE FLORAL SUITCASE. NOT KAYOOT. He shits everywhere, I keep finding it all over my flat, but that is a family HEIRLOOM! But it shows that he is the smartest peacock because Bertrand knew it would crush my spirit. His favorite snack is Ants on a Log, but I am not very good at making them because I only eat a Wheatabix once a day. For my birthday I think I will have to get him a girlfriend named Ermengarde the Marauder. She will be a mousy speck in comparison to Bertrand's showy plumage and he WILL LOVE IT. He is so VAIN! I cannot wait to debut my leather man corset with Bertrand in tow because we will be the highlight of everyone's evening.
In case the Fans were wondering, the Other went out and bought himself a RIDIC poufy cat and named it Jean Harlow! Cruel Bertrand was my ultimate solution to drive Jean Harlow insane. One day I will get a Weimaraner and drive Jean Harlow out for good, hmmph.
<3,
UKPM
Bertrand is my haughty pet peacock and I take him with me wherever I go including trashy goth clubs that serve tea at 4am. He screams all the time and keeps me awake even after I have re-read Nabokov for the 100th time before bed but I lurv him anyway. The cruellest thing Bertrand has done to me is shit in my floral suitcase. SHIT. IN THE FLORAL SUITCASE. NOT KAYOOT. He shits everywhere, I keep finding it all over my flat, but that is a family HEIRLOOM! But it shows that he is the smartest peacock because Bertrand knew it would crush my spirit. His favorite snack is Ants on a Log, but I am not very good at making them because I only eat a Wheatabix once a day. For my birthday I think I will have to get him a girlfriend named Ermengarde the Marauder. She will be a mousy speck in comparison to Bertrand's showy plumage and he WILL LOVE IT. He is so VAIN! I cannot wait to debut my leather man corset with Bertrand in tow because we will be the highlight of everyone's evening.
In case the Fans were wondering, the Other went out and bought himself a RIDIC poufy cat and named it Jean Harlow! Cruel Bertrand was my ultimate solution to drive Jean Harlow insane. One day I will get a Weimaraner and drive Jean Harlow out for good, hmmph.
<3,
UKPM
April 1, 2008
the SHOE
Fans, do you know what you must do immediately? Everybody must go to the Lucky Horseshoe! First, first, let me tell you that the Baby Arm* was there, but not only that, there was also a Mowgli bo-i and he was the most sinful character of the night.
1. He had long stringy hair and crazy eyes.
2. For part of his act he danced in a SKIRT!
3. He shook everyone's hand and introduced himself as "Julio"--V suspicious.
There was also a Beanbag-shaped "man" who was pretty much too fat to give the dancers a dollar so they had to lean over and let him nudge a dollar into their thong with one of his chins. Vom! Also Meredith and Erika were 1 Azn and forced me to give Baby Arm a dollar. I was secretly delighted even though it was totes obv it was my first time. We went back a second time on the same night and sat in the back room on this classy 70s redux Lucite patio furniture while a vintage porno movie played and all the same go go bois danced again. Yessss.
Vanessa and her friend were telling us all about their bondage mansion night--I must get myself a lunch interview with them at a neutral place like Denny's. Too bad a certain SOMEONE won't go with me, sadness.
Oh also I stayed out so late dancing on Friday that I saw the sun come up! It was amazinge; I hung out with more people this weekend than I have the entire time I have been in Londre.
In other news, we are thinking of getting a pet! OBVIOUSLY I will have a valiant shorthair Weimaraner but the OTHER foolishly wants a poufy cat. Hmmph. To comfort myself I am buying a video camera so that I can further exploit my friends to make my arte. I think volunteering your body and soul to me is obv a fair trade for being ULTRA curious about my tragick situations. Please email me if you are interested, even though I am leaving again on Sunday.
<3,
PM
* Onewytche had scouted the Shoe previously and had seen the Baby Arm do his THING already. Apparently last time he was wearing a cowboy hat and boots with white tube socks, and velour bellbottoms. I got lots of indulgent emails explaining how big the Baby Arm was, and it was definitely humongus, only this time he was wearing a TIE and a little hat and sci-fi boots that were high enough so that you could not see the tube socks I am sure he was wearing.
1. He had long stringy hair and crazy eyes.
2. For part of his act he danced in a SKIRT!
3. He shook everyone's hand and introduced himself as "Julio"--V suspicious.
There was also a Beanbag-shaped "man" who was pretty much too fat to give the dancers a dollar so they had to lean over and let him nudge a dollar into their thong with one of his chins. Vom! Also Meredith and Erika were 1 Azn and forced me to give Baby Arm a dollar. I was secretly delighted even though it was totes obv it was my first time. We went back a second time on the same night and sat in the back room on this classy 70s redux Lucite patio furniture while a vintage porno movie played and all the same go go bois danced again. Yessss.
Vanessa and her friend were telling us all about their bondage mansion night--I must get myself a lunch interview with them at a neutral place like Denny's. Too bad a certain SOMEONE won't go with me, sadness.
Oh also I stayed out so late dancing on Friday that I saw the sun come up! It was amazinge; I hung out with more people this weekend than I have the entire time I have been in Londre.
In other news, we are thinking of getting a pet! OBVIOUSLY I will have a valiant shorthair Weimaraner but the OTHER foolishly wants a poufy cat. Hmmph. To comfort myself I am buying a video camera so that I can further exploit my friends to make my arte. I think volunteering your body and soul to me is obv a fair trade for being ULTRA curious about my tragick situations. Please email me if you are interested, even though I am leaving again on Sunday.
<3,
PM
* Onewytche had scouted the Shoe previously and had seen the Baby Arm do his THING already. Apparently last time he was wearing a cowboy hat and boots with white tube socks, and velour bellbottoms. I got lots of indulgent emails explaining how big the Baby Arm was, and it was definitely humongus, only this time he was wearing a TIE and a little hat and sci-fi boots that were high enough so that you could not see the tube socks I am sure he was wearing.
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